Love!

"This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith or people of activism, or look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument, or to suggest that times are not difficult and we have nothing to fear. They are and we do.

The image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false. [Americans hear] how fragile our country is, on the brink of catastrophe, torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done. The truth is, we do. We work together to get things done every damn day. The only place we don't is here or on cable TV."

I love you, Jon Stewart.

Everything is going to be okay!

It really will be. It'll be a fantastic Summer, too. I need to keep in mind that I have some fantastic people around me, and I don't want for anything. It's kind of funny that as soon as I have decided that and said 'be done with it', Lindsay goes and calls me. It was due to geographical proximity (Facebook 'Places' has paid off), but honestly! I'm still not sure what his intentions are, and whether he is intentionally messing with me. I just need to keep that in mind and keep him at arms length, I think. Remind myself constantly to not fall into old habits of intentionally chasing boys who treat me like shit like it's some kind of drug :)

That said, I am still unsure of where the Jessee thing is headed. Right now I'm feeling kind of zen about it all, to be honest. He needs the summer to get his head together and get his mojo back, and I'm on a path of dealing with some long-neglected issues, too. Maybe some day we'll work something out. We said we weren't closing that door completely. We just both need to be in the right place, and historically that is not our forte! :) If nothing else he is the best mate a girl could ask for, and he'd do anything for me and vice versa.

I'm happy with that.

Some really amazing people have my back. Here's to Jess, Liv and Adam.

The start or the end?

I have to stave off this ridiculous panic, sadness and petulance that keep hitting me when I think about him and his inscrutable mixed signals. I am over it. I really am. I just wish it had turned into something.


I never thought I'd hit 30 completely unable to start or maintain any sort of relationship.

I'm really quite terrified of how short life is and how fast it is slipping away from me.

Ever since reading The Shipping News...

 I've wanted to go to Newfoundland. I'll pass on the seal flipper pie.

I sometimes wonder

if any of my friends like me at all.

How odd is that?

I can't get enough of this.

I think it took what Jessee said to get through to me. This has got to change.

Wow.

That was a really, really STUPID thing to have done.

I feel horrible.

Hmmmm

I cannot work him out. When we seem to have such a good time together, why does he show so little initiative or ask me to do anything?

The lights are off, the door is open and the rain is bucketing down.

:)

All that aside...

Life is brilliant. Blue skies. I have such a strong feeling that this summer is going to be brilliant.

*sigh*

I know I've said it before, but when it rains it pours with me. Saying I'm a bit confused is an understatement. Between the conversation a couple days ago with JB about how right we are for each other on paper but there's no physical attraction, and then where the Lindsay situation is heading I was already a little overwhelmed.

And then today.

I genuinely thought that Jessee hadn't considered us to be a possibility but apparently he has, and has been a lot as things have disintegrated with Michelle. He thinks we'd ultimately just drive each other mad, and I know I would never trust him completely. But I can't help but say 'what if?' over and over in my head, as there has always been an attraction there and - for me at least - genuine feelings to whatever degree. We decided to not close the door on it completely, but I am going to see where things go with Lindsay. Jess encouraged me to do so, too and I know I should.

Things are never simple.

[Edit]

Who am I trying to kid? I've thought 'what if?' about Jessee ever since we ever met. There's a reason I've never felt guilty about us sneaking around together (which in turn made me feel guilty for not feeling guilty!)

We shall see.